Tuesday, August 22, 2017

The Old cowboy shave

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.

The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.

Turd For Sale.


Call the cops!


Friday, August 18, 2017

Three to Five Inches of Snow

Joe and Sue were listening to the Minneapolis weather report at breakfast. The announcer said, "There will be three to five inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd-numbered side of the street." Joe got up from the breakfast table and went out to move their car. 

Two days later they heard another radio report, "There will be two to four inches of snow today. You must park on the even-numbered side of the street." Joe grumbled and went out to move their car.

Three days later the weatherman announced, "There will be two to twelve inches of snow today and you must park..."

Just then the power went out and they didn't get the rest of the instructions. "Great," said Joe. "What are we supposed to do now?"

"Aw, Joe" Sue replied, "just leave the car in the garage."

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Handyman

Susie: My husband is a great handyman. He can repair almost anything.

Jane: My mother always taught me to beware of the man that can fix everything. You'll never get anything new.

Friday, August 11, 2017

This kid looks kinda strange

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA test.


She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What’s up?

Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid..

Husband: Well you do remember, don't you?

When we were leaving the hospital, you noticed that our baby had pooped.

Then you said:

Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here.

So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.

Lost Money

I was standing in line in a bank one day when a teenager called out in a loud voice, "Did anyone lose a big wad of bills with a rubber band around it?"

Two men and a woman quickly called out, "I did!"

The teenager responded saying, "Well I found the rubber band!"

IRISH HUNTING TRIP

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the

pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Very reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were eventually loaded. The plane took off.

However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't possibly handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Why Television is Bad for Children...

While the priest was presenting a children's sermon before the whole congregation, he asked the children if they knew what the Resurrection was.

Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

In response to the question, a little boy raised his hand.

The priest called on him and the boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you're supposed to call the doctor."

It took ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

The Veterinarian

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor
of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It
happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as
the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the
distinctive pink envelope in the plate.

This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity,
approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000
a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I
give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do
for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he
practice?"

The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses one in Las
Vegas and one in Reno."