Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Robert’s Wedding

Robert , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. 

All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, Again he is ready for more 'action'. 

Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. 

When the newlyweds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids
her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they
enjoy each other.

But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less
than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.'

Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says:
'You mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story:

Don't be afraid of getting old,

Alzheimer's has its advantages.

Mine used to be an eagle too


Sunday, September 14, 2014

A Silent Bomb in Church

An elderly couple were in church. The wife leaned over and whispered to her husband, "I just let out a long silent fart... what should I do?"

The husband replied, "Replace the batteries in your hearing aid."

Saturday, September 13, 2014

God will provide for us

A young woman visits her parents and brings her fiancé to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband to find out about the young man. 

The father invites the fiancée to his library for a drink. 

“So what are your plans?” The father asks the young man. “I am a Torah scholar.” He says. 

“A Torah scholar, Hmmm,” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?” 

“I will study,” the young man said, and God will provide for us.” “

And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father. 

“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.” 

“And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?” 

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiancé. 

The conversation continues like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insist that God will provide. 

Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, Honey?” 

The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”

Friday, September 12, 2014

A completely inebriated man...

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Construction Site

A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where you mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in."

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Secretary

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, “Y’all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. 

If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied,  Everthang but my earrings.”

Question: Is sex Work?


A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. 

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50%-50%.

A lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

God Bless the enlisted man.

A M E R I C A --- home of the free, because of the Brave.