Monday, December 11, 2017

Skunks


A family of skunks went for their morning walk. They came to a fork in the road.

The daddy skunk said, "My instinct tells me to take the left fork."

The momma skunk said, "My instinct tells me to take the right fork."

The baby skunk pondered a moment and said, "My end stinks too but I still don't know which road to take!"

Friday, December 8, 2017

Santa


As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, he asked her the usual question, "And what would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, 


"Didn't you get my text?"

Thursday, December 7, 2017

Ugly Mirror


Preparing for a yard sale at our house, my wife and I decided to put out a mirror we'd received as a wedding gift. Because of its garish aqua colored metal frame we just couldn't find a room in our house where it looked good.

Shortly after the sale started, a man looking to decorate his apartment bought it for one dollar. "This is a great deal," he said excitedly. 


"It still has the plastic on it."

Then he peeled off the aqua colored protective covering to reveal a beautiful gold finished frame.

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Old Duck


A man took his old duck to the vet, concerned because the duck  wouldn't eat.

The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age their upper  bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for  the animal to pick up it's food. 

"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's  nostrils are located in the upper bill and if  
you file down too  far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown." 

The man goes about his business and about a week later the Doctor runs into his patient. 

"Well, how is that duck of yours?" the Doctor inquires. 

"He's dead." declared the heartbroken man. 

"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a  drink of water and drowned didn't he?" insisted the Doctor. 

"No." lamented the man. "I think he was dead before I took him out of the vise."

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

OUTHOUSE PROBLEMS


When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold. 

He explained, 'I'm not going down dere yust for 50 cents

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Bang!


A 106-year-old cowboy in Texas recently passed away. 

He was asked on his last birthday earlier this year his secret to longevity.

He told them that for the past 50 years he had sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.

He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.

Monday, November 27, 2017

The Stall


I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine.'

And the other guy says: 'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that?  At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling.'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.  'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.  I tell him, 'No........I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

'Listen, I'll have to call you back.  There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.'

Sunday, November 26, 2017

Senior Thoughts


---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

--- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

---I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

---I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!


--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

Saturday, November 25, 2017

They Got Mom!

My mother was away all weekend at a business conference. 

During a break, she decided to call home, collect.

My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger’s voice say, "We have a Marcia on the line. Will you accept the charges?"

Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, 


"Dad! They’ve got Mom! And they want money!"

Friday, November 24, 2017

Turkey Doctor


A surgeon was invited to Thanksgiving dinner at a friend's house.

The host deftly carved the turkey and said, "I'd make a pretty good surgeon, don't you think?"

The surgeon replied, "Anybody can take it apart. 


Let's see you put it back together again."

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Engine Trouble

Auntie Gladys bought herself a new rear-engine car. 

She took an old friend for a spin, but after only half a mile, the car broke down.

Both women got out and opened up the front of the car. 


"Oh, Gladys," said her friend, "you've lost your engine!"

"Never mind, dear," said auntie. 


"I've got a spare one in the trunk."

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Little Johnny's Little Sister

Johnny's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his two-year-old sister pulling his hair. 

She gently released the little girl's grip and said comfortingly to Johnny, who's just five years old, 

"There, there. She didn't mean it. She doesn't know that it hurts."

Mom was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. 


Rushing back in she said, "What happened?"

"She knows now," little Johnny explained.

Monday, November 20, 2017

The List

Because I had forgotten the dates for a number of my friends and relatives' birthdays and anniversaries, I decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on.

I went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job, but had no luck at the first few. I finally found one where the clerk seemed experienced.

"Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?" I asked.

"Have you tried a wife?" he replied.

Friday, November 17, 2017

The dangers of old age and golf

Richard Johnson, an elderly golfer accidentally overturned his electric golf cart..

A very attractive mature lady, who lived in a villa on the golf course,
heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay thanks," he replied as he pulled himself out of the twisted golf cart.

She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." 

Richard took notice her silky bathrobe was partially open,
revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.

"That's mighty nice of you," the senior gentleman answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on now, " she insisted.

She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive.

The old guy was weak as he replied: "Well okay," and headed to her place.

After a couple of Manhattans, Richard thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now.

But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall more open.


"Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still under the golf cart, I guess!"

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Grizzly Bear Conflicts

In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. 

They  advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. 

They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. 

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. 

Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung. 

Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. 

Grizzly bear dung  has little bells in it and smells like pepper. 

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Baby, Learning to Talk

Dad: "Say daddy!"
Baby: "Mommy!"

Dad: "Come on, say daddy!"
Baby: "Mommy!"

Dad: "Darn it, say daddy!"
Baby: "Darn it, Mommy!"

[Mom comes home and joins the conversation.]
Mom: "Honey, I'm home!"
Baby: "Darn it!"

Mom: "Who taught you that?"
Baby: "Daddy!"

Monday, November 13, 2017

Ever Wonder...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows XP?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?

Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe? 

Sunday, November 12, 2017

Vanishing Pastry

On a visit to New York, an Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop. 


The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman, "You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"

The Scotsman says to the Englishman, "Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman."

He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!"

The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats. Then he says to the baker, "Give me another cookie for my magic trick."

The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. Then he says again, "Give me one more cookie."

The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too. Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, "And where is your famous magic trick?"

The Scotsman says, "Look in the Englishman's pocket!"

Saturday, November 11, 2017

Airport Security

Working as a secretary in an international airport, my sister had an office adjacent to the room where security temporarily holds suspects. 

One day, security officers were questioning a man when they were suddenly called away on another emergency. 

To the horror of my sister and her colleagues, the man was left alone in the unlocked room.

After a few minutes, the door opened and he began to walk out. 


Summoning up her courage, one of the secretaries barked, "Get back in there and don't you come out until you're told!"

The man scuttled back inside and slammed the door. 


When the security people returned, the women reported what had happened. 

Without a word, an officer walked into the room and released the very frightened telephone repairman.