Monday, April 16, 2018

“That’s a nice plant


“That’s a nice plant,” said a woman at the florist’s shop, pointing to the flower I was buying.

“Yeah, my wife and I had an argument,” I admitted. 


“I was going to buy her a dozen roses, but I don’t think she’s THAT mad at me.”

Friday, April 13, 2018

Do You Have A Thermometer?


My teenage patient’s mother was concerned. 

“He must have a temperature,” she said. 

“He hasn’t taken our motorcycle out all day.”

“Let me ask you,” I said. 


“Do you have a thermometer?”

“No,” she said. 


“A Kawasaki.”

Thursday, April 12, 2018

Fire Truck


When a small village decided to buy a new fire truck, the town council met to decide what to do with the old one.

Randall, an older man, stood up. 


"Ah think we should keep the old truck," he said. 

"We can use it for all them false alarms!"

Wednesday, April 11, 2018

Confession


The children were all lined up for their first confession when Little Johnny’s turn came. 

The priest asked him to confess his sins, and the boy promptly replied, “Father, I threw a stone at Jimmy.”

“That was a very misguided thing to do, my son,” said the priest patiently.

“It wasn’t misguided at all,” said Little Johnny. 


“I hit him.”

Saturday, April 7, 2018

What's in Here?


One Easter Sunday morning as the pastor was preaching a children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg.

He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"

"I know, I know!" a little boy exclaimed, 


"Pantyhose!"

Friday, April 6, 2018

Wise Italian Grandfather


Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the
family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I
wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so
you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex
watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna
have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of
bambinos. 


"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
another man. 


"Whatta you gonna do then? 


Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "? 

Wednesday, April 4, 2018

Interview with a Journalist


A quote from an interview with the Operations Manager of a growing company. 

The journalist asks, "So how many employees are working in your company?"

The manager replies, "Approximately half of them..."

Monday, March 26, 2018

Dear John Letter


Dear John,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool, nobody can take your place.

All my love,

Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx

P.S. Congratulations on winning last week's Powerball lottery.

Wednesday, March 21, 2018

I Just Bought A Pig


Two friends were chatting. 

"I've just bought a pig!" said the first.

"But where will you keep it?" asked the second. "Your yard's much too small for a pig!"

"I'm going to keep it under my bed," replied the first.

"But what about the smell?"

"He'll soon get used to that."

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

Wallpaper


A guy asks his neighbor in an apartment building, “Mr Trepper, you live directly above me and you have the same 2-room apartment as I do. 

How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you moved in?

“We got 18 rolls,” answers the neighbor.

Two months later the guy meets his neighbor again and says, “It’s really funny – I put the wallpaper on everywhere and I still had 10 rolls left over.”

Neighbor smiles, “Yeah, so did we.“

Monday, March 19, 2018

7 Year Old John


Seven-year-old John had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. 

Two days later his teacher phone his mother to tell her that John was misbehaving.

"Wait a minute," said the mother. 


"I had John here for two months and I never called you once when he misbehaved."

Thursday, March 8, 2018

The Chauffeur


A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his chauffeur, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions about morality and ethics.

Then one day the chauffeur approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening's lecture. 


The philosopher agreed and, for a while, the chauffeur handled himself remarkably well. 

When it came time for questions from the guests, a woman in the back asked, "Is the epistemological view of the universe still valid in an existentialist world?"

"That is an extremely simple question," he responded. 


"So simple, in fact, that even my driver could answer that, which is exactly what he will do."

Friday, March 2, 2018

Elderly Gentleman


An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

He was in his mid-eighties.  


He was well-dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, and smelling slightly of a good after shave.

Seated at the bar was an elderly, real classy lady.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits along side of her.  


He orders a drink.  He takes a sip. He slowly turns to her and says,

"So, tell me. Do I come here often?

Tuesday, February 27, 2018

Sleeping Pill


Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”

Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”

Doctor: “Every two hours.”

Tuesday, February 20, 2018

Under the knife


I hate the idea of going under the knife. So I was very upset when the doctor told me I needed a tonsillectomy. 

Later, the nurse and I were filling out an admission form. I tried to respond to the questions, but I was so nervous I couldn't speak.

The nurse patted my hand and said, "Don't worry. This medical problem can easily be fixed, and it's not a dangerous procedure."

"You're right. I'm being silly," I said, "please continue."

"Good," the nurse went on, "Now, do you have a living will?"

Monday, February 19, 2018

How to Hug


I went to the library the other day and found a book titled "How to Hug".

Wanting to learn the secrets of intimacy I quickly grabbed the book and headed to the checkout counter.

The librarian was polite but said I couldn't check out the book because it was the seventh volume of Encyclopedia Britannica.

Friday, February 16, 2018

RCMP officers



The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Twillingate, Newfoundland man answered his door to find two grim-faced RCMP officers.

"We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the officers.

"Tell me!  Did you find her?!" Cedric Flynn asked.

The troopers looked at each other.  One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.  Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."

The RCMP officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

"Lord suffering' Jesus!" exclaimed Flynn.  Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"

The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her.  Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

The officer replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow." 

Thursday, February 15, 2018

There's Something I Can't Figure Out


At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldplate, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.

"Mr. Goldplate," announced little Joey, "there's something' I can't figure out."

"What is that Joey?" asked Goldplate.

"Well according to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"

"Right."

"And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Er--right."

"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you are right."

"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something' important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Goldplate. "So what is your question?"

"What I want to know is this," demanded Joey. 


"What were all the grownups doing?”

Monday, February 12, 2018

Too Much Information


"Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?"
"No sir, it's Google's Pizza."

"Did I dial the wrong number?
"No sir, Google bought the pizza store."

"Oh, alright then. I’d like to place an order please."
"Okay sir, do you want the usual?"

"The usual? You know what my usual is?"
"According to the caller ID, the last 15 times you’ve ordered a 12-slice with double-cheese, sausage, and thick crust."

"Okay, that’s what I want this time too."
"May I suggest that this time you order an 8-slice with ricotta, arugula, and tomato instead?"

"No, I hate vegetables."
"But your cholesterol is not good."

"How do you know?"
"Through the subscribers guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years."

"You know what, I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, and everyone else having all my information! I'm going to an island without internet, where there’s no cellphone line, and no one to spy on me!"

"I understand sir. But you may want to renew your passport... it expired 5 weeks ago."

Thursday, February 8, 2018

The Parrot Died



"Hello, Señor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Señor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Señor Bob ..."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Señor Bob, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Señor Bob."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Señor Bob ..."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Señor Bob. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G30 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE...........

LONG SILENCE.........

VERY LONG SILENCE............

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."