Sunday, April 24, 2016

Abdul I swear if you fart right now…


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Country Refreshment


A man was on a long walk in the country. 

He became thirsty so decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something to drink. 

The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire.

There was a baby pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. 

The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.

The housewife replied, 

Friday, April 22, 2016

Flower Request


"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"

Replied the customer sadly, 

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Good enough…


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Public service announcement from the liquor store.



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I learn something new everyday.


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Did You See Who It Was?

The young man comes running into the store and says to his buddy, "Tommy, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'

Tommy reacts, "Did you see who it was?"

The young man answers, "No, I couldn't tell... but I did get his license plate number!"

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Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Five surgeons from big cities...


Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who make the best patients to operate on. 

The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants On my operating table because when you open them up, everything Inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians Are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like Construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have A few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when He observed: 'You're all wrong.

Politicians are the easiest to operate on. 

There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.

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The Considerate Husband


The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner."

The room got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

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Tiniest Cabin


A social worker from Ohio who was recently transferred to the mountains of North Georgia, was on the first tour of his new territory when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life. 

Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?" he asked. "Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.

"Pa? Nope, he left before Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.

"'Ma? Nope, she left just before I got here," said the kid.

"But what," protested the social worker, "are you never together as a family?"

''Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. 

If Trump wins the election...


“If Trump wins the election, it’ll be the first time in history that a billionaire moved into public housing vacated by a black family…”

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Egg Separator


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Many three year olds...



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Tuesday, April 12, 2016

The New Ranch Hand


A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. 

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped
it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

P.S.
I didn't see it coming, either!

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The Italian Virginity Test


Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his Bride-to-be is still a Virgin.

His doctor says ... "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call
a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit: a small can of Red paint, a small can of Blue paint,and a Shovel."

Mario asks ... "And what do I do with these things, doc?"

The doctor replies ... "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls Red and the other ball Blue.

If she says ... 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen!',

you hit her with the Shovel.

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