Tuesday, March 3, 2015

An air traffic control tower...

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft.

A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled "Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. 

I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. 

I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and travelling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"

The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down after a few questions.

The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!".

He began his series of questions.

Tower: "How do you know you are travelling at 18,000 feet?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the dials in front of me".

Tower: "Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are travelling at 180 mph??"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the dials in front of me".

Tower: Okay, that is good. How do you know you're flying upside down??"

Aircraft: "Because the sh*t in my pants is sliding out of my collar."

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Thought for Today

A liberal paradise would be a place where everybody has
Guaranteed employment, free comprehensive healthcare,
Free education, free food, free housing, free clothing, free
Utilities, and only law enforcement has guns."

"And believe it or not, such a place does indeed exist."

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Missing Persons Report


A husband went to the police station to file a missing persons report.

Husband: "I lost my wife, she went shopping hasn't come back yet."

Officer: "What is her height?"

Husband: "Average, I guess."

Officer: "Slim or healthy?"

Husband: "Not slim, but probably healthy."

Officer: "Color of hair?"

Husband: "Changes according to season."

Officer: "What was she wearing?"

Husband: "Not sure, either a dress or a suit."

Officer: "Was she driving?"

Husband: "Yes."

Officer: "Color of the car?"

Husband: "Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door..."

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Friday, February 27, 2015

Answered Prayers


The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain.

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "Hi, I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. 

Juan At The Border


Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. He releases Juan and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every week for three years.

Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

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