Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Earring

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense.'

The man walks up to him and says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.'

'Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,' he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my car."

(I always wondered how this trend got started.) 

Monday, October 16, 2017

Postponed Test

A college student could not take his seminar final exam because of a funeral.

"No problem," the teacher told him. "Make it up the following week." 


That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral.

"You'll have to take the test early next week," the professor insisted. "I can't keep postponing it."

"I'll take the test next week if no one dies," the undergrad replied.

By now I the instructor was suspicious. 


"How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?"

"I don't know any of these people," the student exclaimed. 


"But I'm the only gravedigger in town."

Friday, October 13, 2017

Drivers Ed Student

As the new drivers ed student drove through the red light at the intersection, the instructor admonished him and asked, "Why did you not stop for the red light?"

The student replied, "My brother doesn't."

The instructor directed him to return to the school for more instruction before any more driving could take place. 


On the way back, the student approached the same intersection with a green light, he immediately slammed on the brakes shocking the instructor as well as other drivers. 

"Why did you stop at a green light?"

The student replied, "You never know when my brother's coming."


Wednesday, October 11, 2017

What's the Buzzing For?

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. 

I was crossing with a coworker of mine, who is not so bright. 

He asked if I knew what the buzzing was for?

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. 


Without missing a beat, he responded, 

"What are blind people doing driving?"

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Rajiv and Priya are flying to Australia

Rajiv and Priya are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives."

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later, Rajiv turns to his wife and asks, “Priya, did we pay our deposit cheque yet to ICICI Bank?”

“No, sweetheart” she responds.

Rajiv, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, “Priya, did we pay our ICICI Bank Mastercard yet?”

“Oh no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the cheque,” she says.

“One last thing, Priya. Did you remember to send cheques for the auto loan to them too this month?” he asks.

“Oh, forgive me, Rajiv,” begged Priya. “I didn’t send that one, either.”

Rajiv grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 40 years. Priya pulls away and asks him, “So, why did you hug me?”

“Rajiv answers, “They’ll find us!”


Monday, October 9, 2017

Duck Talks With The Bartender

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The bartender looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him:

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the bartender.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the bartender.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?"

"Yeah!" the bartender replies.

"With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck.

"Of course," the bartender replies.

"And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the bartender.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "What would they want with a plasterer???"


Friday, October 6, 2017

Fate Bought Me Those Shoes

A woman had bought lots of shoes over time and she decided it was time to kick the habit. 

She really took it seriously, even changing her driving route to avoid her favorite shoe store. 

One evening, however, she arrived home carrying a shoe box. Her husband grinned at her, but it didn't faze her at all.

"These are very special shoes," she explained. 


"I accidentally drove by the shoe store and there in the window were the most perfect shoes I've ever seen! I felt this was no accident, so I thought I'd let fate decide. 

If I would get a parking spot directly in front of the shop, the shoes were meant for me. 

And sure enough, the eighth time around the block, there it was!"

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

That Was Short

A woman had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow," said her husband, "that was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number," replied the wife.


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Monday, October 2, 2017

From the Horse's Mouth

A jogger running down a country road is startled as a horse yells at him, "Hey, come over here buddy!" The jogger is stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks, "Were you talking to me?"

The horse replies, "Sure was, man I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plow and I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me. I'll make you some money cause I can still run."

The jogger thought to himself,"Boy, a talking horse!" Dollar signs started appearing in his head. So he runs to the house and the old farmer is sitting on the porch. The jogger tells the farmer, "Hey man, I'll give you $5,000 for that old broken down nag you've got in the field."

The farmer replies, "Son, you can't believe anything that horse says. He's never even been to Kentucky." 


NUTTY NEWS APPs: iPhone, iPad, iPod Touch – Android

Saturday, September 30, 2017

Mine Isn't Stuck

During training exercises, the Lieutenant was driving down a muddy back road when he encountered another car stuck in the mud, with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is!"


Today's Nutty News

Friday, September 29, 2017

Life After Death

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, sir," the clerk replied.

"That's good," the boss said." 


"After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

Today's Nutty News

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Tell me the name of the place where I am right now

Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in. One said "Louie-ville" and the other "Louise-ville."

They went on arguing and arguing, until they came upon a fast-food restaurant. 


The one guy goes inside and says to the waitress, "Please tell me the name of the place where I am right now, really, really, really slowly."

The waitress goes, "Bur-ger-King."


Today's Nutty News

Sunday, September 24, 2017

The Blessing

Joan invited some people to dinner. 

At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," Joan answered.

The girl thought for a minute, then bowed her head and said, 


"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Today's Nutty News

Thursday, September 21, 2017

The Thoughtful Waiter

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, with his thumb over the meat.

"Are you crazy?" yells the customer. 


"What's with your hand on my steak?"

"Sorry," answers the waiter, 


"I don’t want it to fall on the floor again."

Today's Nutty News

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

We've Got A Speeder

My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were driving through Georgia. 

Hoping to get off with a warning, mom tried to appear shocked when he walked up to the car.

"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer.

"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"


Today's Nutty News

Sunday, September 17, 2017

Ed and Nancy

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. 

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums.

Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant.

While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you.  I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. 

So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see" Ed replied. 

He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball." 

Saturday, September 16, 2017

Art investment

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.

"Saul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. 

Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."