Thursday, June 14, 2018

Driving Compliment


I got a compliment on my driving today said a blonde to her friend. 

There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Doctor visit


A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life.

"Well ..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old."

"My goodness Frank, and at your age too." the doctor said. "I hope you took at least some precautions."

"Yep. I may be old, but I ain't senile yet doc. I gave them all a phony name."


Monday, June 11, 2018

Retirement


Today we would like to thank Albert for his service to our company. 

Albert is someone who does not know the meaning of impossible task, who does not know the meaning of lunch break, who does not understand the meaning of the word no.  

So we have clubbed together and bought Albert a dictionary.

Saturday, June 9, 2018

Complaints from the mailman


An old man took his dog to the vet after getting several complaints from the mailman. After examining the dog, the vet said, "Sir, I don't see anything wrong with your dog other than the fact that he is old, and through my years of practice, I have found that if you castrate an old dog, they will get fat and lazy and mellow out quite a bit."

After giving this much thought, the old man said, "OK doc, go ahead, because if I don't do something, my ass is going to end up in jail." Three days later, the old man went to the vet's office, picked the dog up and took him home.

That evening, the old man was sitting on his porch reading his paper, and the bulldog was laying by his side. Along came the mailman, who turned into the old man's front gate to give the old man his mail. Off of the porch jumped the dog, knocked the mailman down, and proceeded to tear his ass up.

The old man came off of the porch, picked the dog up, placed him under his arm and said, "Damn Mr. Mailman, I'm sorry as hell, but I just don't know what to do with this damn dog." "As a matter of fact, I just took him to the vet three days ago and had him castrated."

The mailman got up, brushed himself off and said, "Well you dumb son-of-a-bitch, you should have had his teeth pulled! Hell, I could tell that he didn't want to screw me when he came off of the porch!"


Friday, June 8, 2018

Strip-searched



As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. 

The head attendant announced on the intercom, 

"This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. 

Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."


Thursday, June 7, 2018

Homeless Guys


I really can’t stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me. 

Do they really have to rub it in that they’ve got more cash than I do?

Thursday, May 24, 2018

Little Johnny


The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!” 

teacher sat down and cried

Wednesday, May 23, 2018

Silent Letter


When I was in school, I used to ask a lot of questions. 

One day I asked Ms. Doris, our English teacher, "Why do we ignore some letters 'H' like in hour, honest, honor, etc?"

Ms. Doris replied, "We are not ignoring them. They are considered silent."

During the lunch break, Ms. Doris gave me her packed lunch & asked me to heat it in the cafeteria. 


I ate all the food and returned her an empty container.

Ms. Doris asked me, "What happened? 


I told you to go and HEAT my food & you are returning me an empty container?"

"I'm sorry, Ms. Doris, I thought the 'H' was silent."

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Tuesday, May 22, 2018

Coats


A woman stood inside the front door, her arms full of coats. 

Four small children scurried around her.

Her husband, coming down the stairs, asked why she was standing there.

"Here," she said, handing him the coats. 


"This time you put the children into their coats, and I'll go honk the horn."

NUTTY NEWS TODAY
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Saturday, May 19, 2018

Catholic School Cafeteria


In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, 

"Only take one. God is watching." 

Further down the line is a pile of cookies. 

A little boy makes his own note, 

"Take all you want. 

God is watching the apples."


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Friday, May 18, 2018

Haircut


Man walks into the barbershop, sits down in the chair and the barber asks, "How do you want your haircut?"

The man says, " I would like the sideburns one high and one low, a few long hairs sticking out of the back and a few chunks on the side and top."

The barber looks puzzled and says, "I'm not sure I can do that."

The customer says, 


"Why not, you did it that way last time."






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Thursday, May 17, 2018

Mother's Point of View


A stage mother cornered the concert violinist in his dressing room and insisted he listen to a tape of her talented son playing the violin.

The man agreed to listen, and the woman switched on the tape player. 


“What music!” the violinist thought. 

A difficult piece, but played with such genius that it brought tears to his eyes. 

He listened spellbound to the entire recording.

“Madam,” he whispered, "is that your son?”

“No," she replied. 


“That’s Jascha Heifetz. 

But my son sounds just like him!”








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Monday, May 14, 2018

Miracle Cure



Doctor Bloomfield, who was known for extraordinary treatment of arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, almost bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane.

When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office and, amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes walking completely erect with her head held high.

A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this rushed up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! 


You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"

"Gave me a longer cane."

Three Day Silence


My wife has not spoken to me in three days. 

I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"There are burglars in the kitchen. 


I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."

"That'll teach them!" I replied.

Saturday, May 12, 2018

The Operation


The heart specialist was operating on the patient when he suddenly said, 

“Don’t worry, Adam. 

This is a minor operation. 

Everything will be all right.”

The patient replied, “Thank you Doctor, but my name is Jose.”

The heart specialist said, 


“I know that. 

Adam is my name.”

Wednesday, May 9, 2018

Seniors ....This is why you should listen to your Doctors instructions carefully.



I went to my nearby CVS Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists' counter is located.

I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.

The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me.

I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"

Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along.

He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.

Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, "Now, does that taste sweet to you?"

The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!!!"

I said, "Oh, thank Goodness! 

That's a real relief! 

My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!"

I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there anymore!

Tuesday, May 8, 2018

Professional Worrier


Jack had been a compulsive worrier for years, to the point it was ruining his life. 

He saw a psychologist who recommended a specialist who could help him. 

His friend, Bob, noticed a dramatic change and asked, "What happened? Nothing seems to worry you anymore."

"I hired a professional worrier and I haven't had a worry since," replied Jack.

"That must be expensive," Bob replied.

"He charges $5,000 a month," Jack told him.

"$5,000!!! How in the world can you afford to pay him?" exclaimed Bob.

"I don't know. That's his problem."

Monday, May 7, 2018

Observations from an Old man


Some Astute Observations from an Old man

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

I live in my own little world, but it's OK. Everyone knows me here.

I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I 

said, "Left Tackle?

I don't do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really
fast.

 I don't like political jokes. I've seen too many get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no

 trade-invalue.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you 

tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've 

stayed alive.

No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team's winning.

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes

 and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke
 and not feeling well?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having

 a peeing sectionin a swimming pool?

Marriage changes passion .. . . suddenly you're in bed with 

a relative.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into 
my own pants.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't need

 the class!

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the
difference.

Wouldn't you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, 

but FAT cells live forever.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they 

can inprison?

Sunday, May 6, 2018

Alphabet soup


A man went in to a restaurant and ordered alphabet soup. 

The man's alphabet soup was in front of him when a bee went inside.

The man cried out, "Waiter, Waiter, there's a bee in my alphabet soup!"

The waiter said, "Yes, sir, and I believe all the other letters are there too."

Friday, May 4, 2018

The Burglar


A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flash-light around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flash-light Off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell, he heard the words "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flash-light beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed.. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 

'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'