Saturday, February 6, 2016

How You Earned It


A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. 

I was down to my last nickel. “I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.”

“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them for 20 cents. 

I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”

“Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars."

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The Priest and the Cabbie


A priest and a cab driver went to heaven.

The priest was given fifty bags of gold and a nice house.

The cab driver was given the same but also a boat, a lake and a box of diamonds.

The priest asked St. Peter, "Hey I was a priest, how come I don't get a box of diamonds or a lake or a boat?"

St. Peter said, "We go by results. 

Bad dog!



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Wednesday, February 3, 2016

The Angry Wife


One evening I was in a bar talking to my friend.

"Last night, while I was out drinking, a burglar broke into my house.."

"Did he get anything?" asked my friend.

"Yes," I said.

"A broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs. 

Traffic Court


A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. 

The judge rose from the bench. 

"Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court."

He smiled with delight. 

"Now sit down at that table and write, 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times."

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Black Olives Matter


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The Great Barber War


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That should fix it.


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Went to a brewery and this was in the restroom.


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Truck got stuck under a bridge today. These guys knew…


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No Unibrows.



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Be nice to fat people



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Monday, February 1, 2016

Insulin Shot


A patient was a newly diagnosed diabetic who needed to be taught how to inject insulin. 

So the diabetes educator did the good old routine of taking an orange, drawing up insulin, then injecting it into the orange. 

He then made the patient repeat this practice routine a few times.

The patient goes home and comes back in a week and his blood sugar is out of control. 

They ask him if he's been taking his insulin and he goes "of course." So they decide to ask him to demonstrate how he injects insulin. The patient goes "sure, I just need an orange."

At this point I started face palming hard because I know where this one is heading. 

But of course they got him a orange and a vial of insulin with a syringe. 

Careful What You Wish For


A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet.

He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.

"I wish for an ice cold beer right now!" He gets his beer and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.

"I wish to be on an island where beautiful women reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.

He tells the genie his third and last wish:

"I wish I'd never have to work ever again."

POOF! He's back in his government office.

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GOT MY CONCEALED CARRY PERMIT YESTERDAY


So In the afternoon, I went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm handgun for home/personal protection.

When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!!!

As an intelligent senior citizen, I do not get flustered often. But this time, it took me a while to get my pants back on.

I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to seniors a little more clear.

I still don't think I looked that bad.

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