Thursday, November 15, 2018

Passing Gas

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. 

The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. 

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. 

I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me... 

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Thursday, September 13, 2018

Women working down the road...

A man is sitting on his porch when he notices two blondes working down the road. 

They both have shovels. 

One of them digs a hole and the other immediately fills it in. 

The man watches them for a few hours and finally approaches them, "You guys look like you're working hard. 

But I'm not sure what you're trying to accomplish."

One of the blondes replies, "Well there's usually three of us, but the one that plants the trees is sick."

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

Change For A Dollar?

A private is standing outside in the smoking area when he is approached by a young lieutenant, "Private, do you have change for a dollar?!"

The private replies, "I sure do pal."

The lieutenant yells back, "I am not your pal! 

You will address me as an officer and give me the respect I have earned maggot! 

Stand at attention and tell me again, do you have change for a dollar?"

The private, now standing perfectly erect says, "Sir, no sir!"

Sunday, September 9, 2018

Bible Salesman

A man meets the best Bible salesman in the world. The salesman greets him, "Nuh, nuh, nuh, nice to meet you."

The man asks him, "If you don't mind me asking, what's your secret?"

The salesman replies, "It's suh, suh, suh, simple. I juh, juh, just go to the duh, duh, duh, door and suh, say, 'Duh, duh, duh, do you wuh, wuh, want to buh, buh, buh, buh, buy a bible? 

Or wuh, would you luh, luh, luh, like muh, me to ruh, ruh, ruh, ruh, read it to you?'"

Saturday, September 8, 2018

Rabbit droppings

Johnny is on his grandpa's farm in the rabbit enclosure. 

The ground is covered in rabbit droppings. Johnny asks, "What are all of the pellets on the floor grandpa?"

His grandpa replies, "Oh those? Those are smart pills. You eat them and you get smarter."

Johnny likes the sound of that so he grabs a large handful of them and shoves them into his mouth, "Yuck! Grandpa, these taste like crap."

His grandpa replies, "You're getting smarter already."

Friday, September 7, 2018

Watching the news...

A blonde girl and her boyfriend are at a bar watching the news. 

Suddenly a news story comes onto the screen, a man is standing on a bridge threatening to jump. 

The blonde says "I bet you $100 he doesn't jump."

Her boyfriend takes the bet and the man eventually jumps. 

After the blonde pays her boyfriend he admits to her "I saw this on the news an hour ago, take your money back."

She replies "I saw it too. 

I just never thought he would jump twice in one day!"

Friday, August 31, 2018

Sherlock Homes and Watson

Sherlock Homes and his partner, Watson, are going camping. 

After a few hours of sleeping under their tent, Sherlock wakes up Watson. 

When Watson finally wakes up, Sherlock says "Watson, look up, what do you see?" 

"I see billions of millions of stars in the distant universe." 

Replied Watson. 

In response, Sherlock says "And what can you conclude from that?" 

Watson begins to go deep into the theory of space, but less than three sentences in, Sherlock cuts of Watson and says 

"No you idiot, it means someone stole our tent."

Thursday, August 30, 2018


A man's children were curious about their names. The man's daughter asked him, "Dad, how did I get my name?" The father replied, "Well, you were laying down under a tree and a rose fell on your head, so I named you rose." 

The second daughter asked, "Dad, how did I get MY name?" The father replied. "Well, you were laying down under a tree and a lily fell on your head, so I named you Lily." 

Then his son came in the room and yelled, "RAAAAAAAHHHHHHRRRRRR!!!" 

The father replied, "Shut up, Brick!"

Wednesday, August 29, 2018

Long Flight

A man is on a long flight and he starts shaking. 

A flight attendant notices he is disturbed and asks him if she can do anything to calm him down. 

He says yes so she brings him a drink.

An hour later he is shaking again but even worse. 

So she gets him another drink and brings it to him.

Another hour goes by and now he is crying. 

The flight attendant approaches him and the man yells 

"Why are you people doing this to me?"

The flight attendant replies 

"Sir calm down, why are you so afraid of flying?"

The man replies "Flying? 

I'm trying to get sober!"

Tuesday, August 28, 2018


A woman had twin babies and fell asleep immediately after. 

A couple of weeks later she finally wakes up and asks the doctor "Where is my baby?!"

The doctor replies "They are both fine, you have a beautiful boy and girl. Your husband went back to work and you were out so long that your brother named them."

The woman looked concerned "Oh no. What did he name them?"

"He named the girl Denise," The doctor replies.

The woman, relieved "Well that's not so bad. What about the boy?"


Monday, August 27, 2018

Birthday Gift

It's Paige's birthday and she has been waiting for her gift from her boyfriend Trevor for months. 

All he told her was "I got you something that will change your life. It can go from 0 to 200 in a few seconds!"

When it finally comes time for Paige to open her gifts she notices Trevor only had a small gift box in front of him. 

She eagerly opens it wondering if it is something for her shiny new sports car. 

She looks at it and says "This can't go from 0 to 200 in a few seconds?"

Trevor replies "It's a scale, just step on it."

Sunday, August 26, 2018

A devout Christian named Tom...

A devout Christian named Tom is on his deathbed. 

His pastor arrives and comes into his room. 

As soon as the pastor steps in Tom's condition worsens. 

The pastor quickly hands him a piece of paper to write one final message on. 

Tom quickly scribbles a message and shoves it back to the pastor. 

The pastor thinks it would be better if he waits to open the message so he puts it in his pocket. Tom dies.

At Tom's funeral the pastor decides to share his final note with everyone. 

He pulls it out and reads it aloud, 

"Asshole! Get off of my oxygen tube!"


Saturday, August 25, 2018

An Amish family goes to the mall...

The daughters and mother go shopping and the father and son stop in front of two shiny walls that are sliding apart. 

An extremely large woman on a scooter rolls into the elevator and the shiny walls move back together.

The man and his son watch as the numbers above the elevator slowly light up until the highest number is illuminated. 

Then the numbers begin to climb back down and the shiny walls once again part. 

A gorgeous blonde exits the elevator.

The father, still staring at the woman, whispers to his son 

"Go get your mother."

Friday, August 24, 2018

Final Exam

A professor is about to give his final exam, "You must turn in your paper before 2 PM. I won't take it a second later."

2 PM comes and all of the students turn in their paper and the professor begins to walk to his office. One last student jumps up and approaches the professor, "I'm sorry I'm a few seconds late! You have to take my paper!"

The professor says, "Nope, I made it very clear-"

The student snaps at him, "Do you know who I am?"

He replies, "No I do not."

So the student grabs the stack of papers, puts his in the middle, and runs off.


Thursday, August 23, 2018


A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."
Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
This time the wife explains, "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
The husband says, "It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."

Tuesday, August 21, 2018


As a first grade teacher, I often hear from my students things going on in their family. 

Harry’s mother was expecting, and naturally Harry was very excited about it. When one day Harry stopped talking about it I was concerned and questioned him why. 

“Well”, Harry said, “my mother told me I could feel the baby moving in her stomach, 

I thing she ate it!”

Sunday, August 19, 2018

The way it used to be

It's this anti-immigration legislation that they're trying to push, where they would allow police officers to racially profile undocumented immigrants, especially people in the Mexican community. 

I think that's horrendous. 

But what amazes me is that people support this law. 

I was watching the news, this woman in Arizona, looking at a camera, straight faced, she says, 'Hey, we're just trying to bring the country back to the way it used to be.' 

The way it used to be? 

Lady, you're in Arizona. 

It used to be Mexico.

Saturday, August 18, 2018

A blonde woman found herself in a blizzard...

A blonde woman found herself in a blizzard and didn't know what to do. But suddenly she remembered some advice her father had given her, "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, just follow a plow."

Surely enough a plow soon comes by and she follows it. Forty-five minutes later the man driving the plow pulled over and confronted the blonde "What are you doing?"

She replies "My dad said if I get stuck in a blizzard I should follow a plow."

The man with the plow snickers "Well I'm done with Walmart, you want to follow me to Target?"

Thursday, August 16, 2018

A motorist is speeding down the road...

A motorist is speeding down the road when he is pulled over. The officer tells him, "Sir do you realize how fast you were going?"

The motorist replies, "Yeah I know, but I have to go."

The cop interrupts him, "Not so fast. You're going to have to wait for the chief to get back in a few hours."

The cop immediately takes the man to jail. After a few hours the cop tells the man, 

"You're lucky, the chief is on his way back from his daughter's wedding, he'll be in a good mood."

The man replies, "I doubt it."

The cop snaps back, "Why do you say that?"

The man replies, "I'm the groom!"

Tuesday, August 14, 2018

A large group of blondes...

A large group of blondes gathered in the middle of New York City to prove once and for all they are smart people. They challenged everybody to ask any of them any question.

A man approaches them and accepts their challenge. He randomly picks a blonde woman and asks her "What is the first letter of the alphabet?"

The woman replies "V!" The man tells her she is wrong and the group begins to chant "One more chance! One more chance!"

The man replies "Okay okay. What is the capital of New York?"

The woman yells "Toronto!" The crowd chants again "One more chance! One more chance!"

The man indulges them "Okay fine, final chance. What is two plus two?"

The woman yells "Four!" The crowd chants again 

"One more chance! One more chance!"