Thursday, November 20, 2014

Mike Tyson Quote

“I guess I’m gonna fade into Bolivian.”

Medicare - Part G - Nursing Home Plan

If you're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you. What do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older, a gun (Part G), and four bullets. You are allowed to shoot four politicians.

This means, of course, that you'll be sent to prison where you'll receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating & air conditioning, cable TV, library, and all the Health Care you need. 

Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They're all covered.

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!

And, who will be paying for all of this? 

The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a home. 

And, you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you're at it.

And now, because you're a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes. Is this a great country or what?

Now that we've solved your senior financial planning, enjoy your week.

Life is not like a fairy tale


Applying for a job with the railways

A brilliant young boy was applying for a job with the railways.

The interviewer asked him: "Do you know how to use the equipment?"

"Yes", the boy replied.

"Then what would you do if you realized that 2 trains, one from this station and one from the next were going to crash because they were on the same track?"

The young applicant thought and replied "I'd press the button to change the points without hesitation."

"What if the button was frozen and wouldn't work?"

"I'd run outside and pull the lever to change the points manually"

"And if the lever was broken?"

"I'd get on the phone to the next station and tell them to change the points," he replied.

"And if the phone was broken and needed an electrician to fix it?"

The boy thought about that one. "I'd run into town and get my uncle"

"Is your uncle an electrician?"

"No, but he's never seen a train crash before!"

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Wednesday, November 19, 2014

TOO MUCH SEX

I couldn't help but overhear two guys in their mid-twenties while standing at the bar last night.

One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired."

His buddy says: "Dude I'm wore out and exhausted. All my girlfriend wants to do is have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about my age (75+), sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says: "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit."

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Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Think you are having a bad day?


Maurice an 82 year-old man went to the doctor...

Maurice an 82 year-old man went to the doctor for his physical.

A few days later the doctor saw Maurice walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later do doctor spoke to Maurice and said, “You’re really dong great, aren’t you?”

Maurice replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: “Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”

The doctor said, “I did not say that. 

Rye Bread

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. 

The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want five loaves."

She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

The old man says to himself, "I can't believe everybody knows this shit but me."

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