Saturday, April 22, 2017

Word of the Day


An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck

An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I’m going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too."

The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I’m jumping too."

Next day, the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. 

The Mexican open his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps, too.

 The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.

At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife is weeping. She says, "If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican’s wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the redneck’s wife.

"Hey, don’t look at me," she said. "He made his own lunches."

Friday, April 21, 2017

Wife goes into labor

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor.

As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father.


They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.


The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father.


The wife says, “Oh, that’s actually better.”

The husband says he can’t feel anything.


Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn’t hurt nearly as much.


The husband says he sill can’t feel anything.
The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%.


The husband still can’t feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her.


The baby is born.


The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Senator and the Butter

Senator is in a restaurant and the waiter brings over the rolls, but no butter. "May I have some butter, please?" The waiter gives a slight nod and wanders off. 

Ten minutes later, still no butter. The senator catches his eye. 
       
"May I have some butter, Please?" 
       
Still the vaguest of responses, and after ten more minutes, still no butter. 
       
"Maybe you don't know who I am," says the senator. "I'm a Princeton graduate, a Rhodes scholar, an All-American basketball player who played with the New York Knicks in the pros, and I'm currently a United States senator, chairman of the International Debt Subcommittee of the Senate Finance Committee, chairman of the Water and Power Subcommittee of the Senate Energy and Natural Resources Committee, and a member of the Senate Select Intelligence Committee." 
       
"Maybe you don't know who I am," said the waiter. "I'm the guy who's in charge of the butter".

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Tea Party

When I was a toddler, someone had given me a little Tea Set as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of "tea" which was just water, of course.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!"

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.

She watches him drink it up and then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Talking Dog $10

A guy was driving down the road in Santa Barbara when he sees a sign in front of a house that says: “Talking Dog for Sale.”
So he pulls over and goes up to the door and rings the bell. When the owner opens the door the guy asks did I read your sign right, You have a talking dog for sale?” The owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a blackish mutt just sitting there.
“You talk?” he asks.
“Sure do.” the dog replies.
“So, what’s your story?” he asks.
The dog looks up and says, “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.”
“The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.”
“I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, “Ten bucks.”
The guy says, “This dog is unreal and amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

“Cause he’s a liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Two medical students...

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. 

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." 

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. 

The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. 

He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. 

They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" 

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." 

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." 

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." 

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." 


The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." 

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" 

The old man said,

"I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!" 

Friday, April 7, 2017

Gun Control. It already has started at Cabela's

Gun Control. It already has started at Cabela's 

There was a bit of confusion at the Cabela's Sporting Goods store this morning. 
When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier said, 
"Strip down, facing me." 

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control whackos running amok, 
I did just as she had instructed. 

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my gift card. 

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. 

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer! I STILL DON'T THINK I LOOKED THAT BAD.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Boy Throws Tantrum On Plane

As a crowded Delta fight is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 6-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. 
No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. 
Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the 6 year-old boy’s ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the Delta attendants taps him on his shoulder. “Excuse me, General,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?”
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, “Well, I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose.”

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

The Golden Saloon

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. 

"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands. 

"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. Its got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinals gold!" 

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husbands story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. 

"Yes it is," bartender answers. 

"Do you have huge golden doors?" 

"Sure do." 

"Do you have golden floors?" 

"Most certainly do." 

"What about golden urinals?" 

There is a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, 


"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!

Monday, March 27, 2017

Toothbrush

My 4 year old son came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he’d dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. 

So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. 

He stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. 

He held it up and said with a charming little smile, 


We better throw this one out too then, ’cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago. 

Sunday, March 26, 2017

A lady approaches a priest...

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, l have a problem. 

I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." 

"What do they say?" the priest inquired. 

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" 

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but l have a solution to your problem. 

Bring your two female parrots over to my house and l will put them in with my two male parrots who l taught to pray and read the bible. 

My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to worship." 

"Thank you!" the woman responded. 

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. 

The priest's two parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. 

The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" 

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered!" 

Saturday, March 25, 2017

Broken Lawnmower

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.


But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.


When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. 

I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. 


I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


Friday, March 17, 2017

Two Boys Walk Into A Pharmacy

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter. 

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" 

"Eight," the boy replied. 

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?" 

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. 


They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. 

We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. 

Right now, he can't do none of those."

Thursday, March 16, 2017

The Captain's Parrot And The Magician

A magician was working on a cruise ship.

Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. 

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...

Okay, I give up. Where's the ship??

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

A farmer named Clyde...

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. 

In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.


Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."


"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"


Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."


The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."


By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".


Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. 

I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. 

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. 

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. 

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 

"How are you feeling?" 

"Now tell me, what would you say?"

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Is it going to be a cold winter?

It was autumn, and members of a Native American tribe asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. 

Since he was a new Chief in a modern society and had never been taught the old secrets of Nature, he looked up at the sky and had no clue what to do. 

To play it safe, he replied to his tribe that the winter could definitely be cold and that they should collect firewood early, just to be prepared. So, the members began gathering wood.

Being a practical leader, he figured he should also use the resources available to the modern society. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Will this winter be cold?"

"As of now, it looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the forecaster said.

So the Chief went back to his tribe and told them to collect even more wood. A week later he called the National Weather Service again and asked for an update.

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "based on incoming data, this winter is looking to be colder than we expected." 

The Chief was surprised, but again went back to his tribe, told them that this might be a very cold winter, and asked them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

One week later, the Chief called the National Weather Service yet again, hoping for a new answer. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Positive," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"Really?" the shocked Chief exclaimed. "How can you be so sure?"

The forecaster replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

Monday, March 13, 2017

Can I Have a Push?

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. 

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Katie is sleeping in class

Joey and Katie are sitting in school.
Katie is sleeping and the teacher asks her a question.
“Katie, who created Heaven and Earth?”
Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
“Jesus Christ almighty!” exclaimed Katie.
“Correct,” says the teacher.
So the next day the same incident occurs and the same question comes up: “Who created Heaven and Earth?”
Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joey’s pencil.
“Jesus Christ almighty!” she exclaims.
“Correct again,” says the teacher.
So the next day, for a 3rd time, the teacher calls on Katie, but this time she asks, “What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?”
Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joey’s pencil again, and screams,

“If you stick that thing in me one more time I am going to crack it in half!”