Monday, May 22, 2017

Mexican Word of the Day: Mushroom


Thanks Home Depot, but I think I got this.


She Left Her Glasses At A Diner

After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and, she didn’t miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. 
He fussed, and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. 
The more he chided her the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up one minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. 
And, as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, 
“While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.”

Sunday, May 21, 2017

What One Couple Did After Finding A Bag Of Money

An Elderly couple was celebrating their 60th anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared where Andy had carved ‘I love you, Sally.’

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money: fifty-thousand dollars!

Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back,”

Sally said, “Finders keepers.”

So she put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. 

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money and knocked on the door. “Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”

Sally said, “No.”

Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”

Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says, “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday…”

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, “We’re outta here….”

Saturday, May 20, 2017

Little boy scolded by preacher

Jimmy and Matty, ages 8 and 4, were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew if any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved.

The boys'mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.The mother sent Matty in the morning, and planned to send Jimmy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

Again, Matty made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,"What happened?"

Matty, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time! GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"

Friday, May 19, 2017

Found this sign in a Chili’s restroom.


Cat tries coffee for the first time.


I dunno if I wanna…


Missionary to Venezuela

A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He was struggling with the language and didn't understand a whole lot of what was going on. Intending to visit one of the local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on track and found the place.

Having arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew left was the one on the front row.

So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him on the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too.

When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat down. When the man held the cup and bread for the Lord's Supper, he held the cup and bread.

During the preaching, the recruit didn't understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew.

Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements. People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so the recruit clapped too.

Then the preacher said some words that he didn't understand and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around and saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down.

After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in English: "I take it you don't speak Spanish."

The missionary recruit replied: "No I don't. It's that obvious?"

"Well yes," said the preacher, "I announced that the Acosta family had a newborn baby boy and would the proud father please stand up."

Thursday, May 18, 2017

I think my cat is actually a tiny man in a cat suit.


Something isn’t quite right.


A struggling zoo loses its big attraction



A struggling zoo's main attraction, a gorilla, dies during their most popular season.

They can't afford to buy another gorilla so they secretly hire one of the employees to be a gorilla in a suit for an extra $500 a week.

He quickly becomes even more popular than the original gorilla, everyone wants to see the human-like gorilla.

After a few months his popularity begins to wane so he decides to raise the stakes.

He climbs out of his enclosure and dangles from a tree in the lion exhibit but he loses his grip and falls.

Scared he begins to yell for help, "Somebody help!"

With this the lion pounces on top of him and whispers,

"Shut up or you'll get us both fired!"

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

That moment when...


You remind me...


I changed all my passwords...


You could say it makes the ice scream.


A Modest Man Is In The Hospital For A Series Of Tests

A modest man is in the hospital for a series of tests. 

One of the last tests has left his system upset. 

Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another and stayed put. 

He then filled his bed with human waste and was embarrassed beyond anything he could possibly face. 

Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. 

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. 

He started yelling, cussing, and swinging his arms wildly which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. 

As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the hell was that all about?" 

Still staring down, the drunk replied, 

"I just beat the crap out of a ghost!"