Thursday, October 30, 2014

Two judges from a small county...

Two judges from a small county happen to be stopped for speeding on the same day. They agree that there's no point in calling the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge; they'll just go ahead and hear each other's case.

The next morning, one judge takes the bench, the other sits at counsel table. The first judge admits he's guilty, and the second judge suspends the fine and court costs for him.

They then switch places, the second judge pleads guilty as well, but the other judge fines him $200 plus all court costs.

The second judge is exceedingly upset: "I suspended your fine and costs and you go and give me the maximum!"

The first judge responds: "Well, look at the increase we've just had for this crime. SOMEBODY has to do something about it!"

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Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train...

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.

The conductor took it and moved on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

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Monday, October 27, 2014

How fast can you guess...


The CIA had an opening for an assassin

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...

Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.

In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair." 


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Minimum Wage


Wednesday, October 22, 2014

HI Honey. This is daddy...


Monica Lewinsky


911 call

There was a hysterical call at the fire department, and it went like this:

Help me, please help me; there is a cat meowing and yowling with frequency and urgency. 

It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me; can you please help me, and send the fire department right away? 

Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax wait until he leaves.

You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me; it is going to be fatal!

Cats aren’t like snakes or spiders that are poisonous, by the way who is calling?

I’m Josephine’s parrot you jerk!