Monday, August 15, 2016

I nearly died of shame!


Six year old Annie returns home from school and says that today she had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks: "Oh... How did it go"

"I nearly died of shame!" she answers.

 "Sam from down the street says the stork brings babies." 

"Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage." 

"Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."

Her mother answers laughingly, "But that’s no reason to be ashamed."

"No... but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"

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Saturday, August 13, 2016

The Department of Home Security


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Stress


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Meet Me For Lunch


The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes the teacher asked, 

"Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude . . .?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, 

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

If you're gonna fight...


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If you mated...


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Pearls


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Tuesday, August 9, 2016

She Was Shocked When This Naked Woman Waved At Her Three Young Children


1) NUDITY

My kids have always been observant of their surroundings, but they tend to pick out details no one else would notice. I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4,-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

5) POLICE # l

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes,"

I answered and continued writing the report.

"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. "

9) DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goes."

10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

11) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered,

"I think it's Adam's underwear !

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How Was I Born?


A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"

"Well, Honey..." said the boy's mom, "the stork brought you to us."

"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

"Oh, the stork brought us too," chimed in the dad.

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the mom, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: 

Saturday, August 6, 2016

You may always want to recreate the scene when Rose and Jack are poised on the bow of the ship, but it may not always work out the way you expect.


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Can you find the grandma in the picture?


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Teacher Accused of Teaching


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Friday, August 5, 2016

Ignore the camera...


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When assembling your dog kit...


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Hold on...


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