Sunday, March 26, 2017

A lady approaches a priest...

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, l have a problem. 

I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." 

"What do they say?" the priest inquired. 

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" 

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but l have a solution to your problem. 

Bring your two female parrots over to my house and l will put them in with my two male parrots who l taught to pray and read the bible. 

My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to worship." 

"Thank you!" the woman responded. 

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. 

The priest's two parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. 

The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" 

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered!" 

Saturday, March 25, 2017

Broken Lawnmower

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.


But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.


When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. 

I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. 


I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


Friday, March 17, 2017

Two Boys Walk Into A Pharmacy

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter. 

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" 

"Eight," the boy replied. 

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?" 

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. 


They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. 

We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. 

Right now, he can't do none of those."

Thursday, March 16, 2017

The Captain's Parrot And The Magician

A magician was working on a cruise ship.

Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. 

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...

Okay, I give up. Where's the ship??

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

A farmer named Clyde...

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. 

In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.


Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."


"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"


Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."


The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."


By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".


Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. 

I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. 

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. 

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. 

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 

"How are you feeling?" 

"Now tell me, what would you say?"

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Is it going to be a cold winter?

It was autumn, and members of a Native American tribe asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. 

Since he was a new Chief in a modern society and had never been taught the old secrets of Nature, he looked up at the sky and had no clue what to do. 

To play it safe, he replied to his tribe that the winter could definitely be cold and that they should collect firewood early, just to be prepared. So, the members began gathering wood.

Being a practical leader, he figured he should also use the resources available to the modern society. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Will this winter be cold?"

"As of now, it looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the forecaster said.

So the Chief went back to his tribe and told them to collect even more wood. A week later he called the National Weather Service again and asked for an update.

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "based on incoming data, this winter is looking to be colder than we expected." 

The Chief was surprised, but again went back to his tribe, told them that this might be a very cold winter, and asked them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

One week later, the Chief called the National Weather Service yet again, hoping for a new answer. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Positive," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"Really?" the shocked Chief exclaimed. "How can you be so sure?"

The forecaster replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

Monday, March 13, 2017

Can I Have a Push?

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. 

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Katie is sleeping in class

Joey and Katie are sitting in school.
Katie is sleeping and the teacher asks her a question.
“Katie, who created Heaven and Earth?”
Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
“Jesus Christ almighty!” exclaimed Katie.
“Correct,” says the teacher.
So the next day the same incident occurs and the same question comes up: “Who created Heaven and Earth?”
Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joey’s pencil.
“Jesus Christ almighty!” she exclaims.
“Correct again,” says the teacher.
So the next day, for a 3rd time, the teacher calls on Katie, but this time she asks, “What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?”
Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joey’s pencil again, and screams,

“If you stick that thing in me one more time I am going to crack it in half!”

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

I think it's about time we started cussing

A 6-year-old and 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.

The 6-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'."

The 4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm and they head down stairs.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw hell, Mom. I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

Mom slaps him - Whack!

The older boy flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. 

She locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay in there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers. "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

See ya'll on the bus!

Old people: Be sure to send this to your kids or relatives so they will know what happened to you.

To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.  

Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home.  

I started to cry when I thought of you.  

Then it dawned on me...oh, crap...

I'll see you on the bus.

Monday, March 6, 2017

California vs. Texas

CALIFORNIA
  • The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.
  • The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
  • He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
  • He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
  • The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
  • The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.
  • The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.
  • The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
  • The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training for the nature of coyotes.
  • PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the state.
  
TEXAS
  • The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.
  • The Governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
  • The buzzards eat the dead coyote.
    
And that, is why California is broke and Texas is not.


Saturday, March 4, 2017

Second Opinion

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.

So I went to a shrink and told him: I've got problems.

Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.
I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.
Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.

How much do you charge?

One hundred fifty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.

I'll sleep on it, I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street.

Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having? He asked.

Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00.  A bartender cured me for $10.00.

I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.
Is that so? With a bit of an attitude he said, and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?

He told me to cut the legs off the bed.  Nobody under there now.

It's always better to get a second opinion!!!

Friday, March 3, 2017

Worse

We took the kids to one of those restaurants where the walls are plastered with movie memorabilia. 

I went off to see the hostess about reserving a table. 


When I returned, I found my 10-year-old granddaughter staring at a poster of Superman standing in a phone booth.

She looked puzzled. "She doesn't know who Superman is?" I asked my wife.

"Worse," my wife replied. 


"She doesn't know what a phone booth is."

Monday, February 27, 2017

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. 

After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. 


Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. 


"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." 


Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." 


"What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. 


"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. 


Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. 


Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. 


Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. 


Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. 


What does it tell you?" 


Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."