Saturday, June 24, 2017

Marking Your Belongings


Panic


Plastic pilot wings for kids

The flight attendant on our trip was handing out plastic pilot wings to some kids. 

As I stepped forward, she jokingly offered me one, but I passed. 

Pointing to the Airborne wings on my Army uniform, I explained, 

“The last time someone gave me wings, I had to jump out of the airplane.”

Friday, June 23, 2017

Cowboy Explains What Congress Does In A Nutshell

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Texas when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?”

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, Why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

“You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bud.

Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required..” answered the cowboy. 

“You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. 

You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now ~ give me back my dog.

No breakfast?


Moved into a new apartment. This is the bathroom.


Stupid Dog Crossing.


Wednesday, June 21, 2017

The Dead Man Will Walk Through The Door

A defendant was on trial for murder.

There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.

“Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” He looked toward the courtroom door.

The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

“But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”

The jury foreman replied, 

Oh, we looked, but your client didn’t.”

HELLS ANGELS saw a girl about to jump off a bridge

A group of HELLS ANGELS bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! 

That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

This is so beautifully written and also something for all you romantics.

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their new mobile phones.

The wife was a romantic type and a retired English teacher who had taught the classics.

The husband, a retired Navy Chief, was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.  She decided to send her husband a romantic text message.

So she wrote, “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
                        If you are laughing, send me your smile. 
                        If you are eating, send me a bite. 
                           If you are drinking, send me a sip. 
                           If you are crying, send me your tears. 
                           I love you."


The husband texted back to her, "On the toilet.  Please advise."

Sewage company slogan.


When it’s 119° in Phoenix.


Well, that makes total sense.


My son on his first fishing trip with his uncle.


How to go to sleep quickly.


The Golfer's New Arm

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. 

Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. 

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" 

"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! 

Please Doc, what's the good news?" 

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant." 

"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again." 

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. 

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. 

My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." 

"That's great," said the surgeon.  

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors." 

 "That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. 

Are you having any side effects?" 

"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection, I get a headache."