Tuesday, February 20, 2018

Under the knife


I hate the idea of going under the knife. So I was very upset when the doctor told me I needed a tonsillectomy. 

Later, the nurse and I were filling out an admission form. I tried to respond to the questions, but I was so nervous I couldn't speak.

The nurse patted my hand and said, "Don't worry. This medical problem can easily be fixed, and it's not a dangerous procedure."

"You're right. I'm being silly," I said, "please continue."

"Good," the nurse went on, "Now, do you have a living will?"

Monday, February 19, 2018

How to Hug


I went to the library the other day and found a book titled "How to Hug".

Wanting to learn the secrets of intimacy I quickly grabbed the book and headed to the checkout counter.

The librarian was polite but said I couldn't check out the book because it was the seventh volume of Encyclopedia Britannica.

Friday, February 16, 2018

RCMP officers



The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Twillingate, Newfoundland man answered his door to find two grim-faced RCMP officers.

"We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the officers.

"Tell me!  Did you find her?!" Cedric Flynn asked.

The troopers looked at each other.  One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.  Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."

The RCMP officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

"Lord suffering' Jesus!" exclaimed Flynn.  Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"

The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her.  Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

The officer replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow." 

Thursday, February 15, 2018

There's Something I Can't Figure Out


At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldplate, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.

"Mr. Goldplate," announced little Joey, "there's something' I can't figure out."

"What is that Joey?" asked Goldplate.

"Well according to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"

"Right."

"And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Er--right."

"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you are right."

"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something' important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Goldplate. "So what is your question?"

"What I want to know is this," demanded Joey. 


"What were all the grownups doing?”

Monday, February 12, 2018

Too Much Information


"Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?"
"No sir, it's Google's Pizza."

"Did I dial the wrong number?
"No sir, Google bought the pizza store."

"Oh, alright then. I’d like to place an order please."
"Okay sir, do you want the usual?"

"The usual? You know what my usual is?"
"According to the caller ID, the last 15 times you’ve ordered a 12-slice with double-cheese, sausage, and thick crust."

"Okay, that’s what I want this time too."
"May I suggest that this time you order an 8-slice with ricotta, arugula, and tomato instead?"

"No, I hate vegetables."
"But your cholesterol is not good."

"How do you know?"
"Through the subscribers guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years."

"You know what, I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, and everyone else having all my information! I'm going to an island without internet, where there’s no cellphone line, and no one to spy on me!"

"I understand sir. But you may want to renew your passport... it expired 5 weeks ago."

Thursday, February 8, 2018

The Parrot Died



"Hello, Señor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Señor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Señor Bob ..."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Señor Bob, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Señor Bob."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Señor Bob ..."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Señor Bob. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G30 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE...........

LONG SILENCE.........

VERY LONG SILENCE............

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

Play Piano


A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. 

The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.

"Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up one of his heavily bandaged hands. 


"Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?"

"I don't see why not," replies the doctor.

"That's great!" says the man. 


"Because I wasn't able to play it before."

Monday, February 5, 2018

Bless Your Heart


The teacher asks Suzy where her nose is, and Suzy points to it. 

Next, she asks Freddy where his ears are, and he points to them. 

Then she asked little johnny where his heart is, johnny points to his behind,

The teacher said, "No, that is not right. Let's try again. Where is your heart?"

Again, Johnny points to his behind and explains, 


"Every time my grandma comes over she give me a hug, pats my behind, and says 'Bless your heart.'"

Friday, February 2, 2018

Umbrella


A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in summer camp. 

He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella.

The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?"

The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?

Thursday, February 1, 2018

Morning March



I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.

An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come.

"Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"

Revitalized, we picked up the pace.

"And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point any minute now."

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

Some quips to take our minds off politics



· I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

· When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

· Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

· America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

· You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

· Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

· My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

· I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

· Money talks ... But all mine ever says is good-bye.

· You're not fat, you're just ... Easier to see.

· If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

· I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, Here, fill this out?

· I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penney has an older women's clothing line named, Sag Harbor.

· My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

· My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.

· Denny's has a slogan, “If it's your birthday, the meal is on us”. If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!

· The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.

· The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

· I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

· Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

· The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

Monday, January 29, 2018

Missing Husband


A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.

The officer looked at the guy's photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.

"Yes," she replied. 


"Please tell him Mother didn't come after all."

Sunday, January 28, 2018

The Height Of Bad Luck


The height of bad luck...

Your battery is at 2% and you see your boss upload pictures of himself and his family...

Wanting to impress him, you quickly comment "cool pics" but auto correct changes it to "cool pigs"...

Just as your battery runs out.

Friday, January 26, 2018

Beer Problems


A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”

He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, 


“Give me a beer before the problems start!”

The bartender looks confused but gives him another beer.

This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, “When are you going to pay for these beers?”

The man answers, “Now the problems start!”    More


Thursday, January 25, 2018

Are You Buying All This?



"You just go ahead," the man in the shopping mall said to his wife. "While you're shopping, I'll browse in the hardware store."

An hour later, she returned and saw him at the checkout counter. 


The clerk was ringing up the last of a pile of tools and supplies that would fill two wheelbarrows.

"Are you buying all this?" his wife asked incredulously.

"Well, yes," he said, embarrassed. 


Then waving his arm toward the interior of the store, he added, "But look at all the stuff I'm leaving behind!"

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

Rain


A lady moved from Phoenix to Seattle and when she arrived it was raining. While she moved in, it rained. The next day it rained, and the next, and then the next.

After several rainy days, while standing on her porch, she noticed a young boy on the porch of her neighbor's house. Trying not to sound too depressed, in a cheerful voice she called over to the lad, "Hi son, I'm your new neighbor."

"Hi," the boy called back and waved.

"Say, son, does it ever stop raining here?" she asked.

With a look of consternation, the youngster replied, "Lady, how would I know? I'm only six years old!"

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

The Smarter Dog


Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter.

First woman: "My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me."

Second woman: "I know."

First one: "How?"

Second one: "My dog told me."

Monday, January 22, 2018

Three Wives


Three friends married women from different parts of the world. The first man married a Filipino. He told her that she was to do the
dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third
day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was
to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he
didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the
third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there
was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Texas . He ordered her to keep the
house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot
meals on the table for every meal. 


The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but, by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of
his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a
sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he
pees.

Saturday, January 20, 2018

Tongue


A man walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.

"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."

Friday, January 19, 2018

The Real Meaning of Hotel slogans



Old world charm ................................. No bath
Options galore ................................... Nothing is included in the itinerary
No extra fees ..................................... No extras
Nominal fee ....................................... Outrageous charge
Standard ........................................... Sub-standard
Deluxe .............................................. Standard
Superior ............................................ One free shower cap
Cozy ................................................. Small
All the amenities ................................ Two free shower caps
Plush ................................................ Top and bottom sheets